


Relationship Episode Guide to the X-Files

by Kipler (Fillyjonk)



Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-15
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-01-15 21:01:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1319047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fillyjonk/pseuds/Kipler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A guide to help you find the relationship points of light in every episode.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The Old-Time AOL XF Forum](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=The+Old-Time+AOL+XF+Forum).



> This was on the Internet for a really long time, and then today I went to look for it, and it was GONE! So, take a lesson kiddies: the Internet isn't really forever. Maybe it's fine to post stupid, drunk, naked pictures of yourself online. Maybe someday they'll just disappear. (Though... I wouldn't count on it.)
> 
> Anyway, I had this stored in an old fanfic folder in my online backup. Go Carbonite! So, I thought I'd post it here to AO3, so it could endure as long as AO3 is a thing. Who knows what will exist in 15 years?
> 
> Enjoy.

Season The First:

1.1 Pilot: The X-Files

Scully meets Mulder. Mulder gets to see Scully in her undies and examine her near-buttocks regions. She lies in his bed and they talk about heavy, deep and real stuff. Later, they laugh together and almost hug in a rainstorm. Mulder calls Scully at 11:21 to tell her a bunch of evidence is missing.

1.2 Deep Throat

Mulder cooks something in a little pot. He interacts with 2 stoned teens, much to Scully's chagrin, and later plays air guitar. Mulder gets a brainwipe. Scully is concerned. She rescues him.

1.3 Squeeze

Scully chooses Mulder over her Academy pals. Mulder tugs on her pendant. Scully gets attacked, and Mulder is worried on the phone. Later, he gets to see her bare tummy after she is nearly eaten by a hepativorous mutant.

1.4  Conduit

Scully realizes Mulder is obsessed. She listens to his hypnotic regression tapes while he cries. In a church, if you can believe it!

1.5 The Jersey Devil

Scully goes on a date, but likes Mulder better. Mulder gets put in jail and hears a guy throwing up. Scully buys him breakfast. Later, Mulder gets attacked by a feral woman. Scully purses her lips in concern. She holds the door for him.

1.6 Shadows

Mulder wraps one arm around Scully as he is showing her some fingerprints on his glasses.

1.7 Ghost in the Machine

Mulder's former partner is killed by a building. Scully is very concerned and suggests he talk to someone. Guess what? Mulder was right after all!

1.8 Ice

Mulder may be infected by a violence-inducing worm. Scully pulls a gun on him. He pulls one on her. They argue. She locks him up. Later, though, Scully trusts him above everyone else, after they sensuously examine each other's nape areas.

1.9 Space

Scully is disappointed when Mulder kisses big-time NASA butt to meet his old hero. The face on Mars comes to life!

1.10 Fallen Angel

Mulder obsesses over a crash site. Scully bails him out of jail. A NICAP guy calls Scully the enigmatic Dr. Scully, and so does Mulder, later on.

1.11 Eve

Mulder rushes to knock a poison soda out of Scully's hand just in time to save her from fatal ingestion of sugary cola.

1.12 Fire

Mulder almost sleeps with his demonic ex-lover. Is Scully jealous or just annoyed that he's thinking with his *****? Scully takes care of him after he gets smoke inhalation. He lets her see him in his boxers. Is she the one who undressed him in the first place?

1.13 Beyond the Sea

Scully's father dies and she doesn't cry. Mulder caresses her face. He calls her Dana. Three times. Mulder gets shot and she almost cries. Later, she threatens the man responsible for his wound. Scully sits on Mulder's hospital bed. He tenderly rubs her shoulder despite his own pain.

1.14 GenderBender

Scully almost sleeps with a gender-shifting alien. Mulder saves her and pulls her shirt closed. She throws up. Krycek, in an alternate personality, nearly gets killed by having sex with an alien.

1.15 Lazarus

Scully's former boyfriend gets killed, then revived (but not without being possessed!). Scully gets kidnapped. Mulder calls her "Dana" two more times (in what is the last verbal gesture of such intimacy for several years). He threatens kidnappers on the phone. She's OK. Former boyfriend is dead.

1.16 Young at Heart

Mulder's former partner gets killed. Mulder inexplicably lets Scully serve as a living target for the psychopath who did it. This guy has a salamander hand. Can you believe it? To calm Scully's I can't believe I'm a human target for an amphibidextrous psychopath fears, Mulder winks at her. She gets shot, but she's OK; she was wearing a vest.

1.17 EBE

Scully and Mulder argue; she convinces him not to be so easily manipulated. She says she respects and admires his passion. He says thank you for the reality check. Frohike thinks Scully is hot. She finds him less than desirable. Mulder admits that it is plausible that Scully is, indeed, hot.

1.18 Miracle Man

Mulder sees his sister a bunch of times. Scully shows deep concern for his mental well-being. A faith healer says he can see Mulder's pain, a pain that has never been healed. Scully says she loved The Exorcist.

1.19 Shapes

Scully gets attacked by a werewolf. Mulder is worried on the phone. Scully doesn't understand the whole werewolf thing, even though it is pretty obvious.

1.20 Darkness Falls

Scully is pissed at Mulder for giving away the gasoline. She gets over it. She freaks out when little green bugs are on her. Mulder calms her. They sit close on a bench. They are cocooned and killed by the bugs, but somehow they survive. They are put in the same hospital room. Mulder makes a deposit in his angst bank, because he dragged Scully in on this case. They wear funny hat things at the end, while they're on IV's.

1.21 Tooms

Scully brings Mulder a liverwurst sandwich when the hepativore returns. She tries to call him Fox but soon learns better. She says she wouldn't put herself on the line for anyone else. He tells her that if she's brought an iced tea, it could be love. She has brought root beer. Fate. Karma. Kismet. Anyway, now they're really partners! Mulder sees a butterfly cocoon and draws an arcane analogy to his partnership with Scully, then walks away. Skinner makes his first appearance.

1.22 Born Again

Mulder helps a little girl relive her former life. Scully is there, too.

1.23 Roland

Mulder tells a retarded man about this dream he has of his father: His father is in the pool, but he's underwater and Mulder can't get to him. Mulder can see him and is frustrated. There are other men there, too, asking questions Mulder doesn't like. He can't get to his father, and he can't get rid of the men...

1.24 The Erlenmeyer Flask

Mulder finds some guys in water. Scully tries to call him, but can't get through. She's worried. Mulder comes home. They talk. Mulder gets kidnapped. Scully tries to call him, but can't get through. She's VERY worried. She meets Deep Throat. Scully trades an alien fetus for Mulder's life. He's thrown from a van, with vile-looking wounds on his eyes. Oh, yeah, and Deep Throat gets killed. Mulder calls Scully at 11:21 to tell her the X-Files are shut down. Bad Skinner. Very, very bad.

Season The Second

2.1 Little Green Men

Scully has gained weight. Mulder is bored & depressed. Scully ruffles his hair. He, talking into a tape recorder, says he only trusts her. Later, for a minute, she thinks he's dead in the hot jungle of Arecibo. She raises her eyebrow in concern. He tells her, "I still have my work. I still have you."  She clutches his hand briefly.

2.2 The Host

Mulder works with Scully, but only over the phone. He shows her a big fluke. He says he may quit the FBI. Says that she is the only reason he can think of for staying. She tries to talk him out of it. He's still depressed. His hair has been weedwhacked. I, personally, like it. Skinner reveals that his shutdown of the X-Files came from above. A new contact named X turns up.

2.3 Blood

Mulder almost gets a weird disease where he'll start killing people. If only he had a phobia! Mulder's phone talks to him at the end. Scully is there, too - looking chubby.

2.4 Sleepless

Mulder gets paired up with Krycek, but he still likes Scully better. He gets shot, and for a minute you think he's dead (who'll tell Scully?!?!) but then the commercial is over and you realize it was all in his head! Krycek reveals himself to be the devil incarnate.

2.5 Duane Barry

Mulder wears a Speedo, and shortly thereafter, gets kidnapped. Scully darts over, full of concern, and yells at some guys who won't let her talk to Mulder. She is REALLY gaining weight! Mulder's OK. Scully calls him after some late-night grocery shopping - at around 11:21 - and gets attacked and kidnapped.

2.6 Ascension

Mulder gets REALLY depressed as he looks for Scully. She has left him a scary phone message, but he doesn't listen to it until 11:23! She hears a scary song on the radio. He hopes she's still alive. He finds the kidnapper and almost strangles him. No Scully. So sad! He's at a dead end. Angst doesn't begin to describe it. Krycek has disappeared. Skinner reopens the X-Files. Mulder treasures Scully's cross. He bonds with Scully's mom.

2.7 3

Mulder reveals that he no longer can sleep, then sleeps (well, not literally) with a vampire. She dies, but he doesn't really care. He's clutching the cross at the end.

2.8 One Breath

Mulder helps Mrs. Scully pick out a headstone: Loving Daughter and Friend. He watches porn. Scully comes back, but boy does she look bad! (Except for her bust, which has inexplicably grown larger). Frohike visits her. (Mulder isn't jealous because she's probably going to die, anyway.) Everyone wants to pull the plug, but Mulder doesn't. He still has faith. He doesn't like Scully's new-age sister. Or does he? He argues with X, who won't help him. He quits the FBI, and almost kills Cancerman, but Skinner gives him a nice pep talk. Mulder visits Scully for what he thinks is the last time. He cries. She wakes up. He smiles. He gives her a stupid tape and holds her hand briefly. She tells him that he's the reason she's alive (well, not in so many words).

2.9 Firewalker

Mulder doesn't want Scully working on this case. She wants to work. He rubs her shoulder. She is almost killed. He caresses her face and stares into her eyes in an obsessive manner. She's OK. The girl she's handcuffed to, though, is no longer with us, due to the asparagoid fungus that has moved into her neck.

2.10 Red Museum

Mulder wipes rib sauce off Scully's chin. She gazes at him with adoration and says thanks. Later, she saves him from roasting in a rich gravy of beef juices. The guy who killed Deep Throat gets his just desserts!

2.11 Excelsis Dei

An old guy hints that Mulder and Scully are having a relationship. Mulder is flustered by his comments. They look at the old guy's plumbing. Scully is nonplused. Later, she saves Mulder from drowning in a bathroom.

2.12 Aubrey

Mulder is almost killed by a girl named BJ. Scully holds his wounded head tenderly.

2.13 Irresistible

Mulder looks at Scully obsessively a whole bunch of times. Scully tells her therapist that she trusts Mulder as much as anyone - she trusts him with her life. Mulder proves her faith justified, when Scully is almost killed by a psychopath and he saves her. She finally breaks down and cries. Big hug. Kiss on the top of the head? Maybe.

2.14 Die Hand Die Verletzt

Mulder chains a suspect up in a cellar so he can go to Scully's aid. She's OK. The devil is there, too. Fetal pigs dance.

2.15 Fresh Bones

Mulder looks at Scully obsessively a couple of times. She says she's OK. She's been voodoo cursed, but she gets away. Mulder's been cursed, too. She holds him, full of concern, for a moment.

2.16 Colony

Mulder has a fight with Scully. They make up. Mulder gets hit by a car and flies over the windshield, but is saved by his high-impact cellular phone. Scully's shoe dissolves. Mulder's sister shows up. Scully and Mulder play phone tag. Mulder gets through at 11:21, just as Scully is kidnapped by an alien who looks just like Mulder.

2.17 End Game

Mulder trades his sister for Scully's life. His father is very, very MEAN - he causes Mulder to get in touch with his inner child, which is not a good thing. Later, he (Mulder, not the inner child) goes to the arctic and gets those horrible eye wounds again, not to mention his almost freezing to death and being beaten by an alien. X fights with Skinner but eventually tells him where Mulder is. Scully sees Mulder in his boxers, looking pretty fit, except for his gruesome eye wounds and cyanosis. She jump-starts his heart. Literally. She ruffles his hair. Twice. And gives him some kind of shaky facial caress (this action is not easily categorized because Scully is overcome with emotion at this point).  She saves his life and sits by his side for what seems like days. Doesn't change her clothes, either. When he wakes up, she smiles like we've never seen her smile before.

2.18 Fearful Symmetry

Mulder gets attacked by a gorilla. He has a head wound. Scully tries to fuss over him, but he won't let her. Frohike has buffed up for Scully.

2.19 Dod Kalm

Mulder and Scully argue over who will drink the last of the water that may save them. It gets spilled, so the argument is academic. Scully tells Mulder some stuff that happened when she was in her coma, helping to calm his fears. She closes his eyes as if he's a dead man - when he's still alive! They are ravaged and killed by a horrible aging disease, but somehow they survive. They are put in the same hospital room.

2.20 Humbug

Mulder makes a bunch of really funny jokes. Scully doesn't laugh. Mulder insults, and later hits on, a midget, who may or may not be particularly well-endowed. Scully eats a live cricket. They dig up a potato. Meet a dog-faced man. It's all very confusing. Mulder poses at the end.

2.21 The Calusari

Scully makes one funny joke. Mulder laughs appreciatively. Later, he inexplicably sends Scully out to meet the devil himself, all by herself. He stays behind to make a phone call. They're both disoriented by their respective encounters with Beelzebub.

2.22 F. Emasculata

Scully and Mulder are duped (by Cancerman and possibly... Skinner???) into investigating a horrible pimply disease that spreads when big oogly boils explode. Scully gets one right in the face; Mulder is out chasing escaped criminals. He asks her twice if she's OK. She says, "Yes, take care of yourself." Boy, is Mulder mad at Skinner in the middle, when Cancerman turns up in the office late at night! Skinner warns Mulder at the end: "Watch your back. This is just the beginning." Right in his office. Out loud. Even if the office is bugged. Ominous music...

2.23 Soft Light

Scully and Mulder reminisce about Tooms. Scully's little friend tells Mulder, "I've heard a lot about you." Mulder tells Scully, "We'll talk later." Mulder says the word _prophylactic_ , and later uses his sharpshooter skills to shoot out two light bulbs, saving Scully's life from a killer shadow. Mulder wears groovy sunglasses to a funeral. X is around, and he's mad that he was exposed. Mulder finally tells him off and says, "Don't contact me anymore." Who's more evil - Cancerman or X?

2.24 Our Town

Scully tells Mulder, "I didn't know anything gave you nightmares." She comes up with her own sick theory, and Mulder is intrigued. The sunglasses make their second appearance. Mulder saves Scully from cannibalistic chicken people. He tenderly pulls a strand of hair off her brow and runs his fingers down the side of her face.

2.25 Anasazi

A veritable wellspring of relationship snippets! Mulder gets some secret files. Then he yells at Scully and punches out Skinner, who puts him in a headlock and gets really mad. When the bureaucrats ask Scully if she'd lie to protect Mulder, she doesn't say 'no.' Cancerman reveals his unholy alliance with Mulder's dad. (Mr. Mulder's first name is 'Bill.') Mulder yells at Scully and drinks a lot of water. Mulder gets a big hug from Dad, who is shortly thereafter shot by Krycek. Mulder gets a big hug from Scully, and is apparently so disoriented by fever that he can't remember the way to her bedroom. Scully undresses Mulder down to his skivvies and puts him to bed. Later, Mulder REALLY yells at Scully, and is shortly thereafter attacked by Krycek. Scully follows that old adage: If you love someone, shoot him in the shoulder. That cures him of his delirium. Mulder says, "Thank you for taking care of me," and then (choose one):

     a) gets burned alive in a buried boxcar      b) is abducted by aliens      c) is rescued by some unseen power

Season The Third

3.1 The Blessing Way

The answer is... d) None of the above! Scully finds the burnt-out boxcar and looks bereft, but the camera cuts away to the credits before she can really get in a good sob. She gets suspended without pay, and walks barefoot to her mother's house and cries on Mom's shoulder. Is it because Mulder's dead, or because she's disappointed in herself? She finds a neck implant, and goes to a hypnotherapist but chickens out at the last minute. Mulder, meanwhile, has climbed through some sort of tunnel and is found by the Navajos, but he's almost dead! The Natives put him in leaves, and he goes to talk to DT and his Dad and sees some aliens getting gassed. He comes to Scully in a dream and says, I've returned from the dead to continue with you. Then she knows, nonskeptically, that Fox is all right. She meets a friend of Cancerman, who tells her she'll be killed. She pulls a gun on Skinner, and he on her. Melissa gets shot!

3.2 Paperclip

Scully and Skinner yell at each other, really loudly. Mulder bursts through the door and Skinner lowers his gun. Scully begins to profess her undying love for Mulder, but he stops her. So, instead, she says, "I told your mother you were going to be OK. ... I just knew." Mulder turns to look warmly into Scully's eyes as they descend in the elevator. Frohike hugs Mulder. Mulder and Scully find lots of files... lots and LOTS of files. Mulder goes to Scully's file first. THEN to Samantha's, which used to be his! Scully sees some aliens, but Mulder sees the mother ship. Skinner turns out to be an OK guy. Mulder confesses that he wants to find out what they did to Scully. She seems spooked by the thought. He squeezes her hand, but we don't get to see it. Krycek almost gets killed, and then becomes a wild card. He makes Cancerman squirm. It's official: Mr. and Mrs. Mulder's relationship was very, very weird! Melissa dies. Mulder tells Scully, "I think [this is] about something we have no personal choice in. I think it's about fate." Then he wraps her warmly in a comforting embrace. She returns his hug. **Sniff**

3.3 D.P.O.

A teenage electropsycho goes around killing people - all for the teacher he loves. He psychically changes the channel on his mom when she's trying to watch talk shows, putting on a video with a really intriguing title! Mulder lets Scully handle a harsh local sheriff all by herself. She wows Mulder with her ability to estimate boot sizes.

3.4 Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose

Scully parks on a dead guy and inherits a little dog from a dead lady. Mulder slips on a banana cream pie. A psychic predicts a death for Mulder which could be easily prevented with a little help from Scully.

3.5 The List

An executed man comes back to life and makes maggots grow on a whole bunch of people. Scully gets a bit freaked out at a prison, but Mulder respects her. Mulder is glad he remembered Scully's birthday!

3.6 2Shy

A creepy internet stalker eczema guy sucks the fat out of women who stay online too much. (What are the producers trying to say about the girth and self-esteem of the women of the X-Files boards?!) Mulder puts his arm around Scully for a minute. The creepy guy kills the naive mother from Irresistible. Mulder takes off into the alley, but Scully and a slimed lady are able to catch the killer.

3.7 The Walk

Scully goes gunning for some military types who are blocking her investigation. You go, girl! A bitter veteran with realistic quadriplegia psychically kills guys in his dreams.

3.8 Oubliette

A little girl is kidnapped, and an older, former kidnap victim is psychically connected to her. Mulder does some major Samantha-projection, and Scully tries to warn him about it. He doesn't listen. The little girl drowns, but it's the lady who dies. Mulder cries - all by himself.

3.9 Nisei

Action! Mulder buys an Alien Autopsy video. He has an extra gun, for when he loses his. He and Scully split up in Pennsylvania. Scully finds a bunch of 30-something women who all recognize her, have implants, and think they're dying of some cancer. Mulder wears his black mock-turtleneck. Later, he wears his glasses again! It becomes clear that Mulder and Scully have discussed her implant. It is not clear whether Mulder is suitably stricken that Scully may have some bizarre synthetic foreign-made cancer. A microchip-analyzing geek is smitten with Scully. X gives Scully the secret signal that Mulder is about to put his life in danger, but she can't talk Mulder out of jumping onto a moving train. Mulder loses his cell phone.

3.10   731

Scully tells X, "I don't have time for your convenient ignorance." Mulder's on the train with a friendly conductor and a creepy skeleton-faced guy who chokes people with piano wire. Scully gives the microchip geek palpitations when she touches him on the arm. Mulder gets choked by piano wire. A bomb is set to go off. Scully meets Cancerman's large-boned friend, and takes Mulder by surprise by calling him on Skeleton Man's phone. She also reveals that she's remembered her abduction and a traincar. Mulder maintains his dry sense of humor, even though he's pretty much bound to die. Scully manages to get Mulder the secret code that will get him out of the boxcar, but then Skeleton man beats him to a bloody pulp. X saves him, and we don't get to see Scully fret and worry, even though she thinks he's been blown up.

3.11 Revelations

Mulder and Scully trade roles. She becomes a devout Catholic who may have been sent by God to save a little boy from a demon named Gates. Mulder doubts all Scully's theories. He whines because Scully never draws his bath. He does help her on with her coat at the end, but that doesn't really make up for all his skepticism! Scully goes to confession, but we don't get to hear anything juicy.

3.12 War of the Coprophages

Ode to Bambi

by Fox Mulder (1960 - ?)

Antennae brushed my shoes, you see,  
That night when you first came to me.  
Sweet phoned-in voice I did not hear.  
Your light pulsed on; it drew me near.

You wore your little khaki shorts  
Despite the grim weather reports.  
Not practical? No. Still, I'll say  
They made a fine mating display.

I scarce remembered my cell phone.  
Your voice was like a pheromone.  
Our faces pressed together fast  
To peer through magnifying glass.

I called her late, the chirping peep  
Of cell phone did disturb her sleep.  
My words spoke true, but still between  
My words I sketched a truer scene.

We spoke of bugs, we spoke of hate.  
She sensed that you I wished to date -  
or not to date, but just to score!  
A guilt-free evening, nothing more.

To lure you in, I played the part  
Of one with no hate in his heart  
For exoskeletons of chitin,  
Thorax, wings, and pincers bitin'!

But others lie as well as I.  
And 'he' professed to love sci-fi,  
Though there was, in his uber-brain,  
A diffuse, genre-wide disdain.

But you were drawn to microphone-  
voiced science geek. I? Left alone.  
I learned that day I haven't really a  
bit of latent coprophilia.  
  
So now, to her, I'll write a poem a-  
bout my days in frozen coma,  
And of her prayers, her lowered head,  
Her folded hands beside my bed.

And Bambi, from my thoughts you'll go.  
My loyalty lies with her, so  
Chastity will be for me  
(Unless I meet a UDG).

3.13 Syzygy

Mulder slumps against a wall when he realizes that Scully is really angry at him. Mulder drinks and Scully smokes. Mulder ends up in bed with a tall blond, and Scully goes ballistic.

3.14 Grotesque

There's a buff naked guy at the beginning, but he dies. A cat jumps on Scully. Skinner and Scully worry about Mulder, who is reliving his Violent Crimes Angst. Mulder sleeps attractively but unhealthily in the library. Someone gets shot and thrown off a wall. Scully cries, "Mulder!?" in her "Beyond the Sea" voice, but it's not Mulder. Scully doesn't care about the guy who's really been shot; he is bald but nowhere near as alluring as Skinner.

3.15 Piper Maru

Scully has Melissa Angst. Skinner feels so badly about it that he gets shot. Mulder smiles at Scully when she explains why he's in the basement. An oily alien life form possesses a Franco-American, then his wife, and then Krycek! Mulder flies to Hong Kong. Big head-butt for Krycek!

3.16 Apocrypha

Cancerman's voice creeps eerily from a young man's body in a flashback scene. Mulder gets knocked out in an MIB car accident; he and Scully exchange sad, sweet smiles when he awakens. The Lone Gunmen ice skate. Mulder shakes Skinner's hand, but then rushes to get to Scully before Skinner can pull any I have important news for you maneuvers. Mulder warmly clasps Scully's arm in the cemetery.

3.17 Pusher

The little toy surprise in the bottom of the relationshippers' cereal box! Scully finally displays her feelings when a psycho takes control of Mulder's mind.

     a) She finds it hard to look at Mulder as he goes off to risk his life to avoid hurting her.          
     b) She clasps Mulder's hand (even before Mulder is wounded or anything!).        
     c) She freaks out and screams in a hysterical panic when Mulder almost shoots himself.        
     d) She initiates a tender finger-clasp at the end.

3.18 Teso dos Bichos

A cat jumps on Scully. Mulder pulls it off her. He says, Go with it, Scully, a lot. Rats are in the toilets. Mulder may or may not be dying to touch Scully's facial scratches at the end.

3.19 Hell Money

Mostly Scully and Mulder just stand around in the background while a Chinese detective investigates organ-gambling. A frog is in a dead guy's chest!

3.20 Jose Chung's From Outer Space

Many, many layers of meaning. Is Scully a mandroid? Is Mulder devoid of joy? Who's to say? And what really *did* happen between Scully and Mulder in the hotel room?

3.21 Avatar

Skinner and a succubus and an ex-wife and a sex scene and a head-twistingly dead prostitute! Mulder and Scully clear Skinner.

3.22 Quagmire  
  
RIP QUEEQUEG  
Taken From Us  
in the  
Great Melville Analogy  
of  
1996

Every cloud has a silver lining: Scully and Mulder sit on a rock, wet and cold, and discuss their _relationship_!

3.23 Wetwired

Mulderangst here, Mulderangst there... Scully gets video-brainwashed and runs off. Mulder has to ID Scully's body at the morgue, only of course it's not her body - but he's full of agonizing, eye-closing pain, anyway! Pendrell pines for Scully. Scully pulls a gun on Mulder, but her Mom and the pain in Mulder's eyes cure her of her psychosis. X is in with Cancerman.

3.24 Talitha Cumi

An Kindly-Looking Alien can heal people. Mulder hops about the east coast as if it were a small town, and so does Scully. Cancerman visits Mulder's mother, and teases her about his prowess at water-skiing and... other things. Mulder's mother has a stroke. Scully is all sensitivity; Mulder gets a soft smile and says, Thanks. Mulder makes some incredible intuitive leaps about the word palm. Kindly-Looking Alien and Schwarzenalien meet for a showdown, and Mulder overprotectively says, "Scully... come stand behind me."

Season The Fourth

4.1 Herrenvolk

Mulder takes off. Skinner and Scully have developed some kind of secret, mutual eye language. Mulder comes back to cry, and Scully hugs him tenderly, even though he is filthy and smells like gasoline. Skinner gives the couple some privacy. Cancerman holds Mrs. Mulder's hand tenderly and forces Schwarzenalien to heal her.

4.3 Home

Mulder and Scully exchange genetic histories with the purpose of assuring safe potential future procreation. Mulder tenderly rubs Scully's back and says Uber-Scullies.

4.4 Teliko

Mulder plays mind games with Pendrell.  "No competition, "Mulder's thinking.  Scully calms Mulder when he's paralyzed by saying, "It's OK. I'm here."

4.2 Unruhe

Scully gets kidnapped by a psychotic psychic photographer. Mulder angsts out and whacks a Winnebago with a long, white pole. There is a lingering hand touch during the reunion scene.

4.5 The Field Where I Died

Oh, my... Mulder remembers a couple of past lives with some Melissa character as his soulmate. But he also remembers Scully quite fondly, and Melissa dies in the end, anyway. Besides, Scully admits she wouldn't change any of the ways she's looked at Mulder - no matter what! A partner in the hand is worth three tentative, unbalanced soulmates in the afterlife.

4.6 Sanguinarium

Mulder is a little vain about his nose. A bunch of people die in really graphic ways!

4.7 Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man

What is Cancerman doing carrying around a photograph of Mrs. Mulder and baby Mulder? And why is he spying at Mulder's pre-Scully office door on Christmas Eve?

4.9 Tunguska

Mulder plays with his new punching bag toy, Alex Krycek. But he also plays nicely with the other agents, offering to loan Krycek to Skinner for the evening. Mulder goes to Russia, but Scully kind of knows what he's up to - so does it count as a true ditch? Mulder is battered and bruised while wearing a really sharp coat and sweater. He is put in a chicken wire cage and exposed to oily wormy parasites! Poor baby!

4.10 Terma

Everything works out in the end, as Scully commits a guiltless, premeditated Congressional PDA. (It is the second petrochemical hug of the season, if we are to assume Mulder doesn't take time to shower before unditching Scully.) Skinner looks uncomfortable with the whole business!

4.8 Paper Hearts

Vince Gilligan reaches Uber-Vince status. Mulder thinks about whether Samantha was killed by a child molester. Scully empathizes and hates the child molester so much that she can hardly bear it! Mulder gets Scully's help in digging up a child's remains. Scully talks to Mulder's soul with her eyes. She makes him laugh at the end, too, which lightens his heart so much that he hugs her round the derriere. There's nearly a hair-ruffle, but Mulder's hair is so gosh-darned... overgelled... that we can hardly blame Scully for turning it into a hair-pat instead.

4.11 El Mundo Gira

Te amo, Maria. Te amo, chupacabras.

4.13 Leonard Betts

A creepy regenerating guy sneaks around attacking people with cancer, and goes after Scully at the end. Scully is derailed, and Mulder sensitively lets her be. Oh, dear...

4.12 Never Again

Mulder is forced to take a vacation. Scully expresses discontent with her life and her non-desk. Later, she gets a tattoo and goes on a date, although she seems to keep her pantyhose on. Poor Mulder nearly cracks and tells Scully that she is his life. Tension! Tension!

4.14 Memento Mori

That journal? It's not exactly love poetry, but it's as close as Scully's ever going to get.

Scully reveals to Mulder that she has cancer. Mulder says "I will be right there" in a voice that would break your heart. Chemo, chemo, chase, chase... and it's the scene we've been waiting for: All-encompassing warm hug, tender shoulder rub, kiss on the top of the head, kiss on the forehead, thumb strokes on the cheeks, lingering, intimate gaze, stunned, peaceful smiles. And the promise of angst to come.

And Skinner makes a deal with the devil, maybe...

4.15 Kaddish

Scully and Mulder forget Scully's cancer and chase after a golem, who is created out of angsty love by a girl named Ariel. Mulder gets hurt at the end, and Scully hugs him as she picks him up, even though it took her way too long to get to him!

4.16 Unrequited

Some Vietnam vet is making himself invisible. Mulder and Scully wear head sets; they're kind of cool-looking.

4.17 Tempus Fugit

This is how Mulder celebrates Scully's 33rd birthday: Sno-ball, sparkler, chorus of waiters, Apollo 11 Key Chain wrapped up in a suspiciously jewelry-like box.

Mulder hides the depth of his feelings by wearing a goofy grin and chewing a straw (or is it a stirrer?). Max Fenig's rude "sister" interrupts an emotional moment. Mulder waves a lingering goodbye to Scully at the airport. He wears a wetsuit. Pendrell gets shot buying a drink for Scully.

4.18 Max

Scully says "intubated," but Pendrell dies anyway. Skinner sees Scully with a nosebleed. Mulder strips shamelessly in front of Scully. Scully gives a monologue about the keychain. Mulder looks bemused.

4.19 Synchrony

Some college kids mess with time travel and stuff, only one is an old man, too.

4.20 Small Potatoes

Darin Morgan puts the moves on Scully; she thinks he's her partner but he's only Faux Mulder. Too bad authentiMulder bursts in before we have a chance to see what would happen later!

4.21 Zero Sum

Skinner does a lot of dirty work - very dirty work - for Cancerman. Mulder runs around trying to solve a case, but his mind is on Scully's medical tests.

4.22 Elegy

Some dead people say, "She is me." Scully sees them, but she won't open up to Mulder about how this makes her feel. Tension, tension, teeth-gritting tension.

4.23 Demons

Bloody amnesiac seizures give Scully a doctorly excuse to touch Mulder a lot, especially at the end, where she presses tight against his poor suffering figure. So much angst for just two people!

4.24 Gethsemane

Scully's getting much sicker, only maybe not. Mulder is duped, we think. Mulder cries for an unnamed reason. Scully has to ID a body which may or may not look like Mulder's body or a hybrid clonien or a dead scientist guy from the arctic. Scully testifies before Blevins and Company that Mulder has taken his own life. She looks pretty shaken up about it, but this could just be the typical nervousness that comes from helping one's partner fake his own death.

Season The Fifth

5.2  Redux

Yeah, the death was faked.  Mulder hangs out in Scully's dark bedroom and she starts to take off her shirt.  Lots of voiceovers testify to the love and respect which the partners feel for each other, even though Scully is doing boring medical procedures in a lab and Mulder is walking through very long hallways listening to the history of the cold war, complete with flashbacks. Scully lies for Mulder, and Mulder acknowledges that finding a cure for Scully is what he wants most desperately. Scully collapses, and Skinner is a lit-tle bit too hovering for my comfort.

5.3  Redux II

Only the holy grail of shipperdom.  It deserves its own web page.  Which it had, apparently, at one time, but it's now lost to the Internet of Christmas Past.  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?

5.1 Unusual Suspects Mulder meets the Lone Gunmen and, unknowingly, X.  Mulder is naked for a little while.  And jabbering.

5.4  Detour Mulder and Scully choose a swamp and each other over a cushy hotel and a bunch of other agents.  Scully comes dangerously close to scaring Mulder with innuendo.  She holds him tenderly through a long, difficult, shockish night, and even sings him a beautiful lullabye.  There is talk of sleeping bags, and of getting lucky.

5.6  Post-Modern Prometheus

Mulder and Scully hang out in a very strange town, where they are unconscious together on the floor for some unspecified length of time.  "Walking in Memphis" inspires hyperventilation and fainting spells across the country.  We are gifted with the most smitten of Mulderfaces. 5.5  A Christmas Carol

Scully is hanging out with a handsome San Diego police officer name Kresge, while visiting the ever-grimacing Bill.  There's this little girl who turns out to be Scully's blood-kin, only since Mulder's not around it's hard to be interested in her.

5.7  Emily

Now Mulder is on the scene, and he is a Very Good Boy.  Utter respect, sympathy, and concern for Scully and her situation are evident.  Mulder is in great pain because Scully is in great pain. And he even stoops so low as to stay at the home of Bill Scully, Jr., in order to provide more emotional support to Scully.  And he makes a Mr. Potato Head face.

5.8  Kitsunegari Modell is back - or is it his sister who's calling the shots?  Never mind.  Mulder thinks he sees Scully's death, and he has a brief moment of unadulterated terror and pain as he tries to take in the greatest loss of his life.  He is mute with grief.  And even when he knows Scully is alive, he is numb and inconsolable.  Scully must never die, or there will be no painless place on this earth for Mulder. 5.9  Schizogeny

There are a bunch of trees or some mud or a psychotherapist killing people.  Mulder climbs into a tree to impress Scully, and she checks his muddy form out at the end.

5.10 Chinga

Oh - as if they could ever go a whole weekend without talking to each other!  Mulder pines away, while Scully hangs out in Maine in February in a t-shirt (but leaves her cell phone suspiciously _on_ ). Mulder proposes.  

5.11  Kill Switch  
  
Scully has to disconnect Mulder from some horrific virtual reality world in which  he thinks that she doesn't care that he's had his arms amputated!  Seeing Mulder tormented makes Scully's voice go gruff and breathless.  
  
5.12  Bad Blood  
  
Mulder kills a teenager in cold blood, but it's OK because the kid was a vampire. More importantly, Scully has a passing interest in a possibly buck-toothed local sheriff, but he only puts his coat on her at the end because it's cold.   Mulder spends time on a vibrating bed.  
  
5.13  Patient X  
  
Mulder is Mr. Skeptic.  Meanwhile, Scully is feeling tugs from her implant.   Quiet Willy reappears, and meets Scully on a bridge and we don't know what's happened to them at the end!  
  
5.14  The Red and the Black  
  
Quiet Willy, RIP.   Poor Mulder thinks Scully is dead, too, for a minute there, but she's only toasted.  Mulder is stricken when Scully says she won't follow him, but he holds her hand through a traumatic hypnoregression session.  In the end neither agent knows anything except that it's good to be in a truck together, alive, and to hold hands.  
  
5.15  Travelers  
  
Some stuff about McCarthyism and Roy Cohn.  Darrin McGavin is there.  And spiders.  Mulder is younger and (for some reason I can't fathom) keeps brushing his hair off his forehead.  I will not look more closely at his hand.

5.16  Mind's Eye  
  
There's a blind girl who can see through the eyes of a killer.  Mulder bonds with her.  But it's an "Oubliette" kind of bond - not like the one he has with Scully.  
  
5.17  All Souls  
  
Scully sees visions of Emily, which scares her.  Mulder picks up on her vulnerability and tells her that it scares _him_.  When Scully admits her visions, Mulder leans in really close and talks in a deep, pained voice. Later, he calls Scully's name a lot of times as she's witnessing a seraphim or something.  
  
5.18  Pine Bluff Variant  
  
Mulder goes undercover with some terrorists and doesn't tell Scully!  Still, he can't lie to her, and she figures it out pretty quickly.  Too late!  Mulder's been tortured and his pinky finger has been broken.  Scully waits around his darkened apartment until he comes home, and then puts ice on his finger while he whines a little.  Mulder almost gets executed by terrorists, but survives to find his way back to Scully.

5.19  Folie a Deux  
  
Mulder is taken hostage by a wacko telemarketer.  Upon his release, Scully sidles up to him and brushes her body against his.  Mulder seems to go over the edge, so Scully visits him in the mental hospital.  He tells her "You're my one in five billion."  So she willingly walks into his delusion and shoots a large grasshopper shadow.    
  
5.20  The End  
  
Scully visits the Lone Gunmen after she is bowled over by a visit from Mulder's former chickadee, Diana Fowley. A little boy can read everyone's mind and plays head games with Scully about this Fowley woman.  Mulder, in the meantime, defends Scully to Fowley, and doesn't take Fowley's hand-holding seriously.  Fortunately for everyone (except the boy), the Fowley woman is shot and lies in critical condition.  Scully tells Skinner that he can find her at Mulder's apartment. She later braces herself against Mulder when the X-Files are burned out (burned up? burned down?).  
  
Season the Sixth  
  
6.01  The Beginning  
  
Gibson's back, as are Fowley and Spender.  Scully clutches Mulder's hand in affirmation of their partnership, but Mulder (clearly still suffering from hypothermia) acts a bit indifferent.  Still, he's got the best haircut since the weedwhacker!

6.02  Drive  
  
Mulder has to drive this redneck guy across the country really fast, but first he trades some quips with Scully.  They're both hot and sticky.  The redneck guy throws Mulder's cell phone out the window, which freaks Mulder out.  Later, Scully gets a new phone delivered to the car.  In the end, Mulder's very attractive by the seashore, but sad because the redneck guy exploded on him. Scully stands by the car and looks with longing angst at her poor partner.

6.03  Triangle

Who knows if it's a dream, and who cares?  Mulder's on the Queen Mary in 1939, and Scully's there, only she's some fancy, elegant lady.  Mulder kisses her, she punches him, and then he jumps overboard.  More importantly, Scully is by his bedside in the hospital in 1998, leaning in so close it's as if she wants to breathe for him.  And Mulder just calls her over to his side, looks her in the eye, and says, "Hey, Scully... I love you."  

6.04  Dreamland I

Mulder gets body-switched with this icky MIB guy, Morris Fletcher.  Scully rides around with Morris for a long while, thinking that he's just acting a bit crazy, while Mulder is dealing with a carping wife and unappealing children.  

6.05  Dreamland II

Scully knows it's not Mulder, now - so she lets herself get "seduced" by Morris and then handcuffs him to the bed.  (First she looks at the reflection in the mirrored ceiling, though.)  It's a heartbreaking moment when Scully comes to tell the real Mulder that there's nothing she can do for him.  They stare longingly at each other for a few minutes, trying not to cry.  Then everything fixes itself.

6.08  How the Ghosts Stole Christmas

A couple ghosts analyze the relationship between Mulder and Scully, and also try to get them to commit suicide.  Our heroes crawl around in their own gore for a bit, but in the end it's just in their minds, and they head home for some warm Christmas cheer.  If only we knew what they gave each other!

6.06  Terms of Endearment

Mulder and Scully investigate the fertility treatments of the devil, played by Bruce Campbell. Apparently they've both forgotten Scully's own lost child, because neither of them shows much emotion as they dig up baby graves.

6.07  Rain King

Mulder and Scully go to investigate meteorological upheavals in a town where everyone is a shipper.  They act stilted, uncomfortable, and defensive when people ask them about their relationship.  A cow falls on Mulder's room and his arm is cut, but Scully comes over to ruffle his hair, as if she's searching for a head wound.    
  
6.10  S.R. 819

Skinner gets touch-injected with these little tiny carbon-based robots that build dams in his blood vessels.  Scully and Mulder share a little mutual concern for his safety, but he still gets sicker and sicker until he's covered with horrible popping vein lines and almost gets sentimental with Scully. Krycek comes through in the end and saves Skinner, but we don't know why!

6.09  Tithonus

::Sigh::  Scully gets assigned to a New York case with a handsome but sleazy young agent.  Mulder pines for her but behaves very well, feeding her all the information she needs.  Despite everyone's good intentions, Scully gets shot to death by the young agent.  Luckily or not so luckily, she swaps her death for that of an also-shot old man.  Mulder gives the young man agent a little threat, and then goes to see Scully in her hospital bed.  Mulder and Scully reach for each other without inhibition, and thumb-cuddle for a moment.

6.11  Two Fathers

Mulder's playing basketball, but stops to drink in Scully as she walks onto the court in inappropriate shoes.  He calls her "Home Girl."  

6.12  One Son

Scully and Mulder take a shower together and check each other out.  Mulder tells Scully that she's very good at hiding her feelings.  Later, he disbelieves her when she's got evidence against Diana Fowley, so Scully storms out of the room.  Even The Long Gunmen find Mulder's behavior distasteful.  Fowley kisses Mulder with her wooden lips. The whole Consortium is burned up but CSM lives.

6.14  Agua Mala

Scully and Mulder are stuck in Florida during a tropical storm.  Scully allows herself to be convinced to leave a dying Mulder out in the hallway, so she can deliver a baby. Arthur Dales lets Mulder know how lucky he is to have a woman like Scully.

6.15  Monday

Scully is forced to hold Mulder as he bleeds to death in her arms - several times.  She is suitably broken by the situation.  Meanwhile, neither Mulder nor Scully can explain the origins of Mulder's dead water bed.

6.13  Arcadia

Scully and Mulder go undercover as a married couple, and Mulder goes into innuendo-overdrive.  Scully fights him off but forgets, for a minute, and lets herself enjoy holding on to Mulder's arm.  

6.16  Alpha

There's a scary dog creature who keeps attacking people. There's a dog woman who loves Mulder but of course he's too dense to realize it, though Scully does.

6.17  Trevor

Scully says "spontaneous human combustion" and Mulder's heart leaps.  Some guy can walk through walls, but not glass or rubber.

6.18  Milagro

A writer kills people with his work but loves Scully.  Mulder is subtly jealous, and Scully is subtly freaked. The writer tells our heroes that it's impossible for Scully to fall in love because "she's already in love." In the end, Scully almost dies again, and when she wakes up she clutches at Mulder, claws his back, and cries into his shoulder as he holds her.  
  
6.20 The Unnatural

Mulder and Scully revel in each other's company.  Scully indulges in a blatant ice cream tease, which turns into an ice cream tussle.  Mulder invites Scully to a baseball diamond and says, "Get over here, Scully" in a voice that should, by all rights, have had Scully melting into a puddle of goo where she stood.  Mulder wraps his body around Scully's, brushes his lips against her ear, and murmurs softly  to her. Scully laughs out loud, joyously, and gamely pretends not to know how to swing.  
  
6.19  Three  of a Kind  
  
Scully gets tricked by the Lone Gunmen into flying to Las Vegas, where she pinches Morris Fletcher's butt, gets drugged up and giddy, and tells Frohike that he's cute.

6.21  Field Trip  
  
Mulder and Scully get trapped underground and are caused to hallucinate by a giant magic mushroom.  Mulder blissfully and tenderly shows Scully an alien that he's abducted.  Scully finds Mulder's skeleton but soldiers on, seeking to explain his death, although she can't stand the pain and lets her tears flow in Skinner's office.  In the end when they're really saved, the reach out through the darkness for each other's hands.

6.22 Biogenesis

Mulder looks at an artifact and starts to go crazy.  Scully gets all doctor-touchy with him. Fowley shows up at Mulder's and peels off her shirt, revealing her wooden breasts. Scully gives her quite a look at the hospital, and tells her that both she and Skinner are liars. Poor Mulder is wacko, so Scully flies to Africa.

Season the Seventh  
  
7.03 The Sixth Extinction  
  
Scully falls into her tender habit of writing Mulder long, loving journal entries across the chasm of terminal illness.  She presses on in Africa, trying to be the good little scientist, but pines for Mulder, whom she fears has lost his "beautiful mind."  Skinner and Our Man Kritschgau shoot Mulder up with some drugs and he comes to long enough to ask for Scully and do some ESP tests.  Unfortunately, the drugs also cause Mulder to go into a violent seizure.  By the time Scully gets back from Africa, Skinner is convinced that there is no hope and tries to convey this to Scully.  She refuses to believe, and goes to Mulder's bedside to give him an impassioned plea to "hold on."  Mulder's eyes flicker in Scully's direction, but she misses it.

7.04  The Sixth Extinction II:  Amor Fati Mrs. Mulder turns up just long enough to get Mulder kidnapped by CSM and the baddies, who heartlessly perform brain surgery on him while he lies on some sort of Biblically Metaphorical Operating Table (tm). Scully has a bad moment with Diana Fowley in the hallway, but avoids using the word "cleavage."  In the end, Diana sacrifices her life so Scully can break Mulder out of the DOD uberhospital.  Mulder's been having horrible visions of cookouts with CSM and sex with Diana until Scully arrives and begs him to wake up.  Scully's grief splashes onto Mulder's face. He wakes from his coma.

A week later, Mulder is recuperating and Scully comes to visit him at his apartment.  She removes his tie and confesses her uncertainty in the world she now knows.  She pulls Mulder into a hug to comfort him when she tells him about Diana's death, but he reassures her that she is is constant - his touchstone.  She says, "And you are mine," and then gives Mulder a passionate, 8-second forehead kiss.  She cups his face in her hands and gazes tenderly at him.  She loves him so much at this moment that it hurts!  But she has to leave because Mulder's just had brain surgery and all, so she drags her fingers down to feel, for the first time, the lush, ripe perfection of his lips.   Oh, yeah.  Kritschgau dies, and so does Albert Hosteen, and Skinner is attacked but Krycek apparently lets him live for some reason.

7.01  Hungry  
  
A teenager sucks people's brains out of their heads because he's a mutant or something, and Mulder and Scully are around, too.

7.05  Millennium  
  
Frank Black comes into the story, and Mulder and Scully have to figure out a bunch of stuff about zombies and salt rings to save the world.  In the end, Scully and Mulder watch Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year on the TV in a hospital waiting room, and then Mulder pulls Scully to him for an eight-second kiss _on the lips_.  Both of them close their eyes and do a little face-snuzzling before it's over, and then we get one of those glowing Scully-smiles like in "End Game."  Mulder puts his arm around Scully as they leave the hospital.  
  
7.06 Rush  
  
Mulder and Scully go to a small town to investigate teen murderers and/or poltergeist activity. Scully strokes Mulder's arm with a file as she steps out of the elevator, and Mulder gives her a big grin.  A young girl checks Mulder out in the school hallway, but when he turns to look, Scully takes his arm and steers him back onto the straight and narrow.  Scully plays with some unseen article of Mulder's clothing and requests that Mulder do something "for me."  It's the opposite of pining:  it's Mulder and Scully's pure, unreserved delight in being together.

7.02 The Goldberg Variation

Mulder flickers his flashlight in Scully's face. When he falls through a wet floor after a failed plumbing mission, Scully wants to change his clothes so they can fly back to DC..

7.07 Orison

Scully and Mulder meet back up with Donnie Pfaster.  Scully kicks his butt this time and later shoots him, more or less in cold blood. Mulder stays on with Scully all night, is highly distracted when the cops mess around with her things, and whisks her away to stay with him until the blood and candle wax can be cleaned up.

7.08 The Amazing Maleeni

Mulder talks like Tony Randall and does coin tricks for Scully.  She wows him with her dexterity.

7.09 Signs and Wonders  
  
Scully is righteous and doesn't get bit by evil snakes, but Mulder proves to be less righteous and gets bit a bunch of times.  Scully kicks down a door to get at him and then unbuttons his shirt.  
  
7.10 Sein und Zeit  
  
Scully butts into Skinner's office to tell Mulder that his mother is dead  Mulder eventually breaks down, and Scully holds him in her arms and presses her lips to his neck. The next morning when Skinner shows up at the door, Scully gives him a look that says, "Yeah, so what?!"  Later on, she's annoyed that Skinner is in the car, because she wants to comfort poor Mulder some more.

7.11 Closure

Scully is in pain because Mulder is in pain.  Mulder finds his long-sought answers about Samantha, and in this emotionally tender time, he and Scully touch each other a lot - sometimes on camera and sometimes just out of our view.

7.12 X-Cops

Mulder and Scully go on "Cops" to hunt a fear monster.  Mulder  does some domestic counseling, and later gives Scully the car but tells her to "Fill that tank up with gas."  

7.13 First Person Shooter

Scully blocks Mulder's view of a woman named Jade Blue Afterglow.  Later, she has to save Mulder when he goes into a video game to get his ya yas out. There's a whole lot of shooting.

7.14 Theef

Scully wears unblack clothing. She and Mulder whisper-flirt.  Mulder is bemused and later touched by Scully's ability to keep him guessing.

7.15  En Ami

Scully goes off with CSM and flashes her bra a bunch of times.  Mulder is totally frustrated with her at the end, and won't even make eye contact.  Scully can't bear it!

7.16  Chimera

A woman asks Mulder if he has a significant other, and he replies, "Not in the widely understood definition of that term."

7.17  Brand X

Mulder gets infected with horrible lung-larvae, and Scully has to stand by and watch while he's intubated and almost chokes to death.  

7.18  All Things

Scully makes Mulder some tea and confesses that they're meant to be together.  There's lots of tapping and slow motion.  Scully gets dressed in Mulder's bedroom door, watching her partner as he lies asleep, content, and apparently naked.

7.19  Hollywood, AD

Scully visits Mulder in the middle of the night to flirt over Ed Wood movies.  At the end, she giggles him into a good mood and then walks off into the sunset with him, hand in hand.

7.20  Fight Club

I don't think Mulder and Scully beat each other up.

7.21  Je Souhaite

Scully gets all giddy over an invisible body.  Later, she has popcorn and a movie with Mulder, and admits that he has made her fairly happy.  

7.22 Requiem

Mulder takes Scully's shoes off for her, then climbs into bed with her so they can spoon for a while. Scully thanks him and snuzzles his hand. Mulder is standing in the shadow of abduction angst; he says, "I won't risk losing you."  So he puts on Scully's cross and goes and gets _himself_ abducted.  Poor Scully finds herself with a bun in the oven. She's joyous and grieving at the same time, pining for her man. What must Skinner think about all this!?

**Official Warning of Non-Schmoopy Thoughts:**

In the space to come, I express non-fond thoughts about seasons 8 and 9.  If you loved those seasons, and cherish your memories of Doggett and Reyes, then look no further in my episode guide!  

Why Seasons 8 and 9 Did Not Happen:

Well, Mulder _could_ have been abducted.  What a great, angsty story opportunity!  What a chance for Scully to shine!  What a great reunion we could have seen!

But...come ON!  Here's the incredibly stupid stuff we got instead:

A)  Mulder had a "brain disorder?!"  A freaking terminal BRAIN DISORDER? All through season 7?  And we never saw a hint of it?  Oh, puh-lease!  

B)  Scully was undergoing in-vitro fertilization?  All through season 7?  And we never saw a hint of it?  What the...!?!?

C)  Scully doesn't really look very hard for Mulder?  She takes up with a new partner and goes about investigating stupid, rehashed paranormal phenomena with him?  While Mulder is being TORTURED!?

D)  Mulder is found dead and is apparently buried without an autopsy, which would clearly have shown some non-dead abnormalities about him.  Scully is a pathologist, Chris - remember!? She does autopsies for a _living_.  She knows what value they have.  Yet she lets the love of her life go to his grave without having someone determine a cause of death, not to mention the fact that his blood is still flowing?  (Oh, don't give me that non-biologically accurate nonsense about how the alien virus stops the blood from flowing.  How do the cells get their _oxygen_ , then!? Didn't they have a scientist/consultant on this show at one time?)

E)  Mulder is dug up after enough months to bring Scully's eternal pregnancy to term, and his cells are OK?!  No oxygen in the grave, guys!  No nothing that cells - human or alien - need to survive.  Not to mention the fact that if you don't turn a bed-ridden patient regularly, he'll get horrible bed sores.  How could the Mulder tissues lie there for months, unmoving, in the ground, and be unaffected by... well...GRAVITY!?

F)  Mulder awakes, has a few minutes of angst, and then apparently forgets about the fact that he was dead for enough months to bring Scully's eternal pregnancy to term.  What about his rent?  Why is his apartment still up and running? What about his bills?  And, hey, while we're on this:  Didn't anyone at the FBI think it was weird that Mulder came back from the _dead_?  Why aren't any doctors studying his case?!  And does the FBI just let a dead guy back in, give him a gun?  

G)  After all this, Mulder disappears again?  By his own choice?! H)  Scully gives the baby UP FOR ADOPTION!?  To keep him safe?  Wait a minute... let me understand this clearly:  The consortium is so all-knowing that they can recite dates and times of Mulder and Scully's "dates."  They have invaded every branch of the military and government. They can find anyone, anywhere. Doubtless they had some hand in the baby's conception.  But Scully just randomly calls an adoption agency, which gives the baby to some clueless couple in the west, and suddenly he is SAFE!?  I think I'm going to faint, this decision is so unintelligent and impossibly unScully.

I.  The series finale is a CLIP SHOW!?  And worst yet, it's a clip show that doesn't make any SENSE!?  Yeah, the snuzzling in the last scene was nice, but Chris, Chris, Chris! The incredible badness of the rest of the show astounds me - sends me into apoplexy!  

J.  Oh, and while we're dealing with the season finale:  Mulder and Scully are on the run at the end of the show; they're like... outlaws.  No notice of how they're going to pay their bills or feed themselves?  It's not like they're qualified masons or certified electricians or something.  Sheesh, bad fanfic closes things better than this. I am disgruntled, to say the least.

The End.

If you took humbrage at what I've written about a TV show, and wrote to tell me so, well... thanks for helping to teach me how to deal with difficult people.  It's a skill that has proved very useful in my job.

Feel free to link to this, but please include my author name (Kipler).  Plagiarism is just not cool.


	2. Season 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who knew I'd be back here 13 years later? Kind of fun!

Season The Tenth

10.1 My Struggle

That is NOT your sister, Mulder. Wait. Mulder! That is not YOU! Who took all those photos of you and Scully snuzzling? Who is burning them?! Now _that _person is a creepy shipper stan! Scully has alien DNA? Something about government conspiracies, an invisible spaceship, and Cancerman?__

Some long-term alien abductee girl psychically knows Mulder and Scully were a couple.

 

10.2 Founder's Mutation

Some crows help a boy who crawled out of his mother's womb.  Mulder gets that weird, loud ringing in his ears like he did that time he was committed to the mental institution and Scully went to Africa.  Scully is concerned about him.  Scully and Mulder both play pretend about what they would have been like as suburban parents to William, but THAT doesn't end well.

Anyway, Scully seems younger when she pretend-remembers herself than Mulder seems when he pretend-remembers himself.

 

10.3 Scully and Mulder Meet the Were-Monster

Mulder is a middle-aged man and hopeless with a cell phone.  Scully claims ownership of the 'I Want to Believe' poster.  Mulder meets a for-real, dapper were-monster.  Scully says, "This is how I like my Mulder." A creepy hotel guy peeping-Toms Mulder in his red Speedo.  Scully steals a new dog named Daggoo.

 

10.4 Home Again

Margaret Scully clasps Mulder's hand before dying.  We hear the voice of the mysterious Charlie Scully.  (Why is he estranged from Margaret? What happened between them?)  Scully calls Mulder a dark wizard.  


End file.
